


freedom tastes like gasoline.

by pinkgrapefruit



Series: coughing up petals [6]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M, linda she's doing it again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 11:31:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkgrapefruit/pseuds/pinkgrapefruit
Summary: Maybe I am more dandelion than daffodil.





	freedom tastes like gasoline.

**Author's Note:**

> for linda.  
> enjoy <3

_Since I left you_

_I roam like a penny_

_Give nights to so many_

_But I sleep alone_

I fall apart like you fall asleep - slowly, and then all at once. I feel every rip and tear and break as I fall from grace and overtake you on your climb to the heavens. If I am Lucifer, you are my angel. Your wings cast a shadow over us all as we stand beneath you. You, who is so beautiful and pure. 

The deepest form of love is lust, or maybe I’ve just been taught wrong, but I do not believe I can love you. It is not within my arm span, which can fit either two cats or one you. Six foot something cannot encompass all you are, all you will ever be and all you have ever been. 

I am not your everything. 

So I fill my time with people who don’t taste like you. Ones whose names get caught on my tongue, because they are not José. I like those, whose names taste like gasoline and almond milk. Who coat my tongue with wit and charm, but never let me forget about you. 

They do not share my bed. I only have one pillow. It smells like you.

  


_In the daytime_

_I wake then I slumber_

_Get high when I want to_

_My body's my own_

There are oceans behind my eyes and in every single one, I am drowning. You cannot control the tide and I cannot control you, so we settled on a middle ground of want and need - the painful intersection between the two. Because I need you, but I do not want _you._

I needed someone to teach me love, but that was too much to ask for. You taught me how to be loved, but I never learned how to give someone my all, so all I gave were the scraps and the bare minimum. I fed you with the leftovers from my soul, reheated and plated up with a spread and some seasoning. I gave you my heart in entrées. 

You fed me a three-course meal every night and thought that was love. You can overfeed people. I never needed a three-course meal. I just needed _you_.

I am a stray cat now, going to my neighbours for food and a warm room. I’m like a lizard - I need warmth to live, even though my blood is stuck in my veins like ice. You, the light of my life, took that when you left.

_You dined on my demons when I was just seeking_

_For someone who I could call home_

I’m like a beech tree, when all I want is to be a redwood. Strong. Alone. 

You are taking my light, my air - _god_ I can’t breathe when you’re around - and maybe that’s what love is, but it doesn't feel like love when my lungs are aching for you. I cough up petals with my good intentions, pave the road to hell with the words I choke out, and then walk it back home every evening, dragging my heels and hearing the weight of my insecurities clang like chains on the floor. 

I often wonder what it would feel like to plant my roots in the empty ground. To find the unsaturated earth and choose it for my home. What I would give to have my heart grow without thorns.

_You saw our future but mine was without you_

_You knew that I needed to go_

The thing is - you’ve always known. You never thought we were forever and I admire that. You didn’t get lost in the imagery of peonies and carnations, only to dissolution yourself out of seeing the weeds creeping in. Maybe I am more of a dandelion than a daffodil, and you can pop off my head at the end. 

Maybe that’s a little too much.

I’ve always been a little obsessed with watching the vines growing up the walls and seeing how they knock them over. I enjoy the minutia of eventual destruction as much as you enjoy watching someone press the button that sets off the dynamite. Neither of us was the dynamite.

I was the vine.

_'Cause freedom don't come for free_

Our relationship was never cheating. We weren’t frugal with the way we spent our time, our love. We were never cheap, and I never was under the impression we took anything less than care of the love we have. We had.

I can’t have freedom and have you. 

Sophie's choice.

The impossible love.

_I guess it cost you and me_

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment!
> 
> tumblr: @pink-grapefruit-cafe


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